Vulnerability.

All of us have had days where we woke up with those same nagging thoughts, the same tragedies that surround us, the same all-consuming sadness and have slapped a smile across our face- and when asked, “Hey, how are you?” an immediate, “I’m good, how are you?” slides right out of our mouth.

Let’s be honest- sometimes we just don’t wanna talk about what’s going on, so it’s nice to just get the conversation done and dusted with. But come on, I know there are also days where we just don’t feel like anyone cares enough to stop and listen, or even we are subconsciously not allowing ourselves to feel the reality of how we are doing, so we just avoid the question at large.

Vulnerability.

Vulnerability shifts. Whenever you let your guards down, you allow yourself to feel and to express those feelings, that’s when something in the atmosphere changes.

This is probably one of the number one things I have been learning about, so here I’ll have a go at sharing!

The past couple of years I have found myself in a season of crippling apathy. Apathy is literally one of the worst “feelings” you could have.  Apathy steals away all of our feelings. It steals your joy. It steals your sadness. It steals your worries. It steals your expectancy. After years of dealing with it, I finally realised that all of those things were necessary to actually live life to the fullest and I was TIRED of not being able to feel ANYTHING!

The last couple of years, there have been some massive shifts in my life. In short: Graduating with my life long friends, moving to Colorado with one of my best friends, meeting Jacoby, dropping out of college, doing a gap 6 months of working and saving, living with my full-time working parents and pretty much my lone self, doing long distance, getting engaged, moving across the world to Australia, staring Hillsong College, getting married, and starting our married life off in Australia.

Those events ^^ should have caused some major feelings. Maybe feelings of pain, feelings of loss, feelings of gain and joy, feelings of loneliness… Which for maybe 3 minutes, I felt those things, but I want to be honest with you. Many of those major transitions left me feeling well…”blah. eh. it is what it is.” aka: I felt just about nothing.

It was so hard to feel nothing, whenever I truly did want to feel EVERYTHING. I wanted to feel the pain of leaving my life long friends. I wanted to feel the all-consuming joy of my engagement and wedding season. I wanted to be all in and be fully present at my new college, I wanted to be open and love my husband the best I could…but whenever my heart left me feeling dry and little to nothing, it was pretty disheartening.

***sensitive subject***

About half a year ago, my sweet cousin decided to take his life. He struggled with depression, and would every now and then ask for prayer, but never really spelled out how serious what was going on in his life was. My family was left in shock and disarray as we loved him so much, and he had so much to live for, but we also fully understood that he was now finally at peace and we had to learn how to be at peace, too.

This was one of the first times that I had a prolonged feeling of sadness. A prolonged feeling of angst and regret. I knew that I struggled with apathy. My husband knew to an extent, but really no one else knew unless I somehow told ya, “well I feel nothing.” But this was something different. I finally felt. Now, here’s where the kicker comes in.

It is one things to allow yourself to feel. Whether that be extreme joy or extreme sadness. It is one thing to feel, and a completely different thing to SHARE your feelings.

I felt so much sadness, that I couldn’t hold it in, I downloaded EVERYTHING on Jacoby & while doing so realised how much I had also been holding back from God and from my friends/family/teachers around me. Although, God knew every little detail of what was going on under that rock solid heart of mine, I didn’t and it was good to finally see cracks of emotion come out from the silence.

At first the faint whispers of emotion, were as loud as roars. The first few open wounds hurt like fresh new heartbreaks. But there it was, at least I was feeling. & with that I was allowing myself to feel as well. As silly as it sounds, I was allow myself to be vulnerable with myself. & out of that, I allowed myself to slowly start being vulnerable with those around me.

Whenever I told my friends about what was going on in my head and my heart the past couple of years, many of them sighed in grief knowing that they didn’t even realise something was off. Many of them immediately looked at me and gave me permission to fully be me. Many of them reached out their arms, and gave me the green to always feel safe to feel and share with them.

For so long, I thought that I was alone. That I just struggled to make friends. But as soon as I was vulnerable, laid down my walls and allowed myself to breathe the air of reality, I  finally found myself with fresh friendships and deep connections that went way past the surface.

Please, let me encourage you.

I don’t know if you struggle with depression. I don’t know if you struggle with apathy. I don’t know if you are completely in tune with your heart. & I don’t know if this relates to you at all, but what I do know is that we are created for connection. We are created for community and authentic genuine connection. Whenever we begin to tear down the layers of rock-solid walls that we have built up in our heart, we allow ourself to find ourselves again, and whenever you share the revelation of yourself and who you are, what you are feeling, who God has created you to be….

Thats when community and connection happens.

There are so many lies that we believe about ourselves daily.

Maybe that we are too loud, too quiet, too fat, too skinny, too shy, too bold, never enough or always too much. What do you see when you look in the mirror?

I encourage you, even if it is tackling one lie a week, or even one lie a month. Tackle it. Tear down that wall that you’ve built in your heart, and allow yourself to feel the truth of who you are, whilst also fully knowing that the lie you’ve believed for so long is not true. As you do this, day by day, get the courage to share. Get the courage to tell others the lies that you’ve declined and tell others the freedom that you are running toward or even living in now.

It is a process. It takes time. To be vulnerable with others takes time, but I encourage you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with yourself. You can do it. & when you are ready, share with the world what you have been freed from & the freedom you are now living in.

You are too important not to share with the world.

xx Vic Bly